This last year or so has been pretty rough on me. I got married, which is mostly really cool, but also full of adjustments. I had a miscarriage, promptly gained 30 pounds due to emotional lack-of-eating-enough. Went back to the local community college to finish a two-year degree after four years in college working on two different four-year degrees. My mother-in-law, who was truly my Mom, suddenly had a grand-mal seizure out of nowhere. Within a month she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Within a couple months she could no longer take care of herself, and I had no idea how involved I should get in taking care of her. For the second half of her illness she could not speak at all because of where the cancer was. And then she died. Then things really started getting weird. People are making strange choices about how they want to spend their time. Other people are trying to rush us through our grief and force us to recover in their idea of the "right way."
I don't like who am right now. That's why most of you haven't heard from me. I am reluctant to inflict myself on others when I know I'll just end up complaining a lot. I don't want to be a complainer. You know you can complain about anything when you complain about being a complainer.
Recently I decided that it's ok if I don't like who I am right know, I just have to BE who I am right now. But being who I am right now, this minute, doesn't mean I have to stay here. I think that I can only change who I am right now, by being who I am right now, and taking one step forward. (This may make more sense in my head than in print.) So this is my step for today. This is my small way of reaching out and hoping someone reaches back. A way of inflicting myself on you that I can edit. And you can choose not to read or respond to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment