It's My Birthday....Again.

I kind of don't like my birthday. I can't remember a time when I found my birthday to be very exciting. Maybe because I don't like to celebrate myself. Or don't feel worthy of being celebrated. But I am actually excited for my next birthday.  In 365 days I will be the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. That's just fun. 

This time last year, I was on a camping/hiking trip with my favorite adventure friend. It was a good time. I even wrote some blog posts about it, but didn't publish them because I was going to add pictures first and then I forgot. This time last year I was in the best health I've been in most of my life. My physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health were all working together. 

Then I had to stop going to the gym because I had an injury that was probably related to my birthday trip. My trainer stopped working at that gym and I couldn't afford to continue paying her anyway. And from there everything sort of slowly declined. My old friend Insomnia re-entered. Then when I finally got to a point where I felt like I was barely functioning at the bare minimum, I had this wonderful thought, "maybe this isn't some kind of personal moral failure, maybe I should visit a doctor."

And it turns out, that there are things going on in my body that need medical attention. So I've been working with my health care team and I'm getting more sleep now. I also visited a neuropsychologist for testing and I've been officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety. It's interesting because I'm usually labeled with depression, and because my anxiety doesn't look like the anxiety in the people around me. I don't know how to describe it or even recognize it in myself. 

The full report is very harsh. Or it feels that way. Maybe just because he wrote down in black and white some things that I know to be true but, until I read them, I didn't realize how deeply I'd hidden those things from myself. His recommendation was to continue working with my therapist and my Celebrate Recovery program to "deep dive" into my past traumas.

In the last year I've completed my third CR Step Study using a set of guides called The Journey Begins. This year I'm embarking on another Step Study, this time using The Journey Continues. Along with attending CR large and small group times each week for almost 5 years now (sometimes more consistently than other times), I've seen healing in my mental and emotional health in amazing ways I didn't know were possible. After reading the neuropsychologist's report, I realized that it's just a snapshot of my mental and emotional health, an accurate description of my woundedness. It isn't a permanent condition.

The first step of the recovery process involves facing the things I've been denying. So now I have a head start on what I need to face. A nice little report in black and white and very clinical. I'm grateful for that.

And I have hope. I believe that the struggles I've had in the last several months serve a purpose that will lead me into the next chapter of my healing journey. This chapter has been unexpectedly difficult with few rewards. And it feels like it's almost over. Last week I actually started having sparks of motivation to do things. No things in particular, just a sense that I would like to do them.

I'm not excited about my birthday. But I am excited to find out what another year of healing will look like. The last year of not being the Answer. Happy Birthday to me.