Pattern Hoarding.

2018: Flower Burst by Jessie at Home
2014: Anticipation Mystery Afghan 12" block by Margaret MacInnis

There is a wonderful world of free crochet patterns all over the internet. I discovered this world a couple of years ago and began hoarding these patterns in earnest. This is part of what lead to my discovery of the crochet along concept. One of my favorite pattern designers and sharers is Tamara Kelly of Moogly. After spending more hours than I care to admit gathering up as many patterns as still existed for free from her 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2017 CALs, I started 2018 planning to actually crochet the 2018 squares.

2018: Gretchen by Julie Yeager Designs
2014: The intended block was no longer free, so I replaced it with Beware the Ides of March
by Margaret MacInnis which was in my pattern hoard and I liked it 

2018: Clown Car by Every Trick on the Hook
2014: Hugs N Kisses by Aurora Suominen

But I'm an overachiever...or just perfectionist?...and really thought that the intended dimensions of the resulting blanket wouldn't be to my liking. I thought I could combine the 2018 squares with the 2014 squares and come up with a shape/size I'd like better. Since patterns are released every other week and none of the squares really take that long to make, I figured there would be plenty of time to do one square a week alternating between the two.

2018: Crocodile Dahlia by KatiDCreations
2014: Veronica's Rose by Melissa Green

2018: Doubles and Stripes by The Lindsey Life
2014: Lion's Mane by April Moreland

Then the perfectionism kicked in again and it took over two months to commit to a color scheme. Sometimes I'm a little too much even for me. I finally decided on three shades of purple and three shades of blue. It turns out I could not have picked a worse pallet for my already very poor photography skills. I worked fairly diligently on this project in March, May, and July of 2018 and then put it in time out until last fall when I decided to rotate through projects in a more intentional/organized fashion.

2018: Purple Plaid Square by Hooked For Life
2014: More V's Please by Melinda Miller

2018: Dahlia Bloom by Petals to Picots
2014: Drop in the Bucket by Janie Herrin

Other challenges include that multiple designers contributed to each CAL and each one has their own style and tension and all the important things that go into making a cohesive set of squares that match in size. Furthermore, older patterns aren't always in the same format even compared to the same designer's newer patterns. And then, of course, there's the fact that there are so many other things on my to do list. It's easy to get frustrated and put the project down for a while. But I am also very very stubborn (steadfast? determined? what's the one that's less self-deprecating?). This will get done eventually.

2018: Tuscan Flower by The Lavender Chair
2014: Princess by Melinda Miller

Slowly But Surely

I've been slowly working my way back into my usual routines. A big obstacle now is sleeping at the wrong times. I'm getting about the right number of hours, just starting in the 2-3am range rather than a more respectable hour. This week I'm going to try to do less scrolling on Facebook and more time doing something productive.

Crafting counts as productive.

Today I finished the next square in the Wildlife Graphghan. But by today, I mean at 11pm. So I don't have a picture. The square I finished in February was a Zebra.

So my crafting routine is to do a square from the Wildlife Graphghan and then work on a past project. I just have to hope I have the right colors of yarn handy. There's also the ongoing temperature project....I haven't knitted any of March yet. I guess I should decide which stitch pattern I want to use now that March is almost over.

ETA: this photo of the Brown Bear Square

6 Years of Hydration

2014 ~ Question of the Day: Are you making a sweater for your water bottle?

Usually I leave myself some kind of clue as to which child said or did the thing I felt the need to share with the Facebook world....but this time, no such luck. Today's the day that I made my first ever water bottle sling. I'm not sure I could even count how many I've made since then. Largely because my photos are trapped on an old computer and I can't access them. I've downloaded some that I had posted on Facebook to give an idea of what these Water Bottle Sweaters are like:

The first ever!

I did finish it, I just didn't take a picture

This has been one of the best crafty ideas I've ever followed through on. I gathered a bunch of patterns but ultimately came up with my own variation that is adaptable to any sized water bottle I can get my hands on. Carrying water with us is a key element to many of our adventures. The second and third slings I made were for the girls so I wouldn't have to carry their water in addition to my own. Here's a couple photos of the girls' slings in action that first spring/summer:

There probably aren't a lot of photos of mine in action because I'm behind the camera, but there aren't many pictures of the girls without their slings until they got old enough to argue with me about carrying them. At some point they became Too Cool to use their slings anymore. But mine is rarely far from me even around the house. So happy birthday to my water bottle sweater, here's to so much more hydration!

Uninhibited

Two weeks ago now, an incident occurred in which my grief suddenly burst open at time and place I wasn't expecting. Even though I had been steadily chipping away at it for a couple of months trying to accomplish that exact goal.

Then I spent several days just trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with it all. I listened to a series of sermons from Pastor Rick Warren. (edited to add, I heard it as a podcast but that link expired so here's a link to the original sermon series) It was a reminder of a lot of stuff I already knew, but needed to hear again just then. When something is so perfectly timed like that it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Some key points from one of them, loss is unavoidable but grief is a choice, any loss big or small is a reason to choose to grieve, grief is the only healthy response to loss and a rather pithy "revealing the feeling is the beginning of healing".

Another sermon included some practical application steps, and that's the kind of thing I really love. I mean, I like knowing the reasoning behind the actions and how things work, but mostly I really want to know what to do with that information. So here it is. List the losses I've never grieved. Identify the real loss. Spend time in lament. Ask Jesus to heal my broken heart.

So I took that action plan to my favorite creek. The best place for these things. I had been to that creek a week before and then skipped a couple opportunities to sneak out because there had been rain and it was colder. The following will include some things I wrote down in my journal that day.

this is not from that day, it's from last April

Today the creek is different. It's wider and running faster than before. It's muddier. Some of the debris {that had been blocking parts of it the week before} is knocked loose and carried away. It's colder and scarier. It doesn't feel as safe because I don't know where it might be deeper. Isn't that my life this week? My grief is cracked open, raw and muddy. My ability to love is wider and unexpectedly deeper in random spots.

I choose to grieve the family I needed and didn't have.

I choose to grieve the mother who abandoned me over and over again.

I choose to grieve the childhood I couldn't have because my parents were so broken.

I choose to grieve the childhood I did have.

I choose to grieve the loss of friends and community when we moved across the state.

I choose to grieve the many friends I only knew for a season.

I choose to grieve the "mother-in-love" that left me too soon.

I choose to grieve the loss of health that I've experienced.

I choose to grieve the many ways my chosen communities have failed me.

I choose to grieve the many many ways I've failed my husband, my children, my extended family, my friends.


I choose to grieve.

same creek, different view, September 2018

I spent time feeling each loss in turn as I thought of it. Plus a few others that I edited out of this post. Then I considered what the true loss is and I'm not sure I have an answer. I decided that's ok.

The next step is to lament. Lamenting is basically complaining to God. The Bible is chock full of laments because not only are humans full of difficult emotions and complaints, we're also 100% allowed and encouraged to talk to God about them. So I told Him how much I hurt and how much I wish these things had never happened to me and how lonely it feels. I asked Him to show me how to keep walking through this painful outpouring of previously repressed emotions without trying to stuff it back down.

Then I sat quietly listening to the creek rushing over the rocks in front of me. I watched some birds going about their weird birdy activities. And then I asked the question that I struggle with nearly every moment of every day "Did I do enough? Am I enough?"

And I heard a soft, gentle voice answer me deep in my soul.

Yes.

So I asked Jesus to please heal my broken heart, then I packed up and left the creek.

And Jesus? Please heal my broken heart.

Jesus heal my broken heart.

Expressed.

I've spent more of my life with repressed emotions than in any other state of being. And this is NOT the first time I've tried to wake everything up and process through/ heal old wounds. I've worked really hard to wake up this particular wound. I think the thing that surprises me is how deep it is. Who knew I had so much stuff hiding in here!

It's like a flood pouring out of me and I'm helpless to stop it. And why would I want to? I know what it's like to carry repressed grief around and it's not good. I wanted to let all of this out in the hope that there's something better on the other side of it. Classic example of be careful what you wish for.

Today was a good day for connecting with people. It was more intense than I expected. Being able to see human faces and hear their voices is so important and how cool is it that we live in a time where we can get that without the germs?

I was able to get back into some of my routines, but not others. That's normal life. Maybe tonight I'll get more than 3 hours sleep.  One day at a time.

I totally forgot to take a picture of that zebra square.

Tracking

This is about three fourths of a shawl. I did that thing where I jumped into the project without checking on the required amount of yarn first. Now I can't get anymore of this yarn. That's what I get from detouring from the original plan of alternating between a series of past unfinished projects and current projects.

So today I'm going to get back on my crafting track and start the next square in the Wildlife Graphghan. It looks like I finished a square in February when I was skipping blogging. It was a zebra and I didn't take a picture of it and now it's dark outside. Maybe I'll remember to take a picture tomorrow. Nothing seems very urgent right now.

I have little routines that are important to me and I've taken a break from most of them for a week. So my big goal for this upcoming week is to figure out what my routines look like with the entire world cancelled. Small goal....leaving my phone downstairs when I go to bed tonight... It's important because I'll sleep better but it's hard because having it closer makes me feel less isolated.

How I Get Through

The thing that gets me through the hard days is my faith. I believe that there is a power outside of me that is bigger than anything I can imagine. I believe that when I'm having all the feelings or laying in bed all day or getting outside in the fresh air or doing all the weird little "churchy" things I do that I'm not alone. More than that, that I'm loved and cherished unconditionally.

This belief has led me to a series of weird decisions over the last couple of years. I've been trying to learn more about Who this God is and what it is that He wants from me. Or to put it another way, I'm trying to figure out what love is and how to live out a life of loving and being loved. In pursuit of this knowledge, I've made a lot of changes big and small to how and where I live my life.

And I think it's working. I feel more loved than I've ever felt in my life. I feel more connected to myself and to my community than at any other time in my life. I'm still a work in progress when it comes to loving others and especially loving and forgiving myself.  However, I reached a point where I felt safe enough to start ripping the old crusty band-aids off the deepest, most painful wounds that I carry inside myself where no one can see them.

there's a toad hiding in there, it's funny

I've gone from living life in mostly robot mode, superficially feeling but mostly suppressing my emotional experiences, to giving myself permission to feel and to emote "out loud" in front of other people. I've found healing for some of the parts of me that I never knew could be healed. Sometimes that healing is messy. Sometimes it takes longer than I want it to. And it hurts. But there is pain that leads to life.

I've been learning to trust this healing process and to keep marching forward into the unknown where I expect to find a healthier, happier me. A Cheri that is a better human, wife, mother, friend, etc than the Cheri that's typing this post. Some of the days it's easier to keep this goal in sight, and I'm learning to be ok with the days that it is very difficult to see the point of anything. I know that emotions are a gift, but some days it's a gift I'd rather return. On the other hand, that whole robot mode thing didn't work out so well as a long-term coping mechanism....

some days I have to find a tiny piece of joy and hold on to it as tight as I can

I wonder if any of that makes sense outside my head. Some days are really hard and they suck and I hate it. But I can do hard things when I focus on my God. And then some days are totally awesome and I love it and for that I thank the God Who loves me.

First Day of Spring

Today is a much better day. I went out to my favorite creek, took in some sunshine and came back feeling motivated.

Yesterday I finished the next section on a past project that uses a crochet along called Around the Bases. In this project I chose a center square called Blizzard Warning! designed by Polly Plum of Every Trick on the Hook. ATB basically lets you choose any center square and then you add 16 borders around it, each border is called an inning. This is the 6th inning:

Well, most of the 5th inning is also in this picture...

I haven't decided how many innings I'm going to use. My big idea for this project is to make one of those cocoon shrugs. So I'm going to keep going until I think this is a Cheri-sized square. But it also needs more snowflakes so that's something that I'll have to figure out.

I do still have a lot of childhood traumas to process through now that I'm not repressing everything, but today I feel like I've made some progress and the pain is not as sharp. Healing is a wild journey.

Nature Therapy

Today I made it outside for some Nature Therapy. It's the last day of winter. I have a bit of a fascination with the seasons and weird things I learn from observing them. There are some great lessons in winter, resting and waiting and preparing for spring.... But I think spring is my favorite. Spring is life. Spring is new. Spring is hope.

Yesterday was a very hard day. In retrospect, it felt like every panic attack I ever repressed hit me at once. The fun thing with healing is that in order to get to it I have to go through all the repressed stuff. If I'd known in advance, I would have made some different choices, but as it is, I guess staying in bed all day was probably the best option.

Nothing says spring to me quite like running water, so I'm going to put a little video clip here. It's so nice to be out in creation, I think I'll take another dose of nature therapy tomorrow.

It's My Birthday. Thanks for Noticing Me.

Well. Today the world is a completely different place than when I last sat down and tried to write something on this blog. It's so bizarre. And when it comes down to it, what do I really have to complain about? We have food and shelter. I'm not worried about running out of toilet paper because we already occasionally use cloth wipes if we run out of TP at a time we can't afford to buy a new pack. So we're set. It's just where I'm at in my recovery journey that has nothing what-so-ever to do with the pandemic.

I'm not sure right now which parts of my life I've already typed up here and which parts I thought I should hold back. I'm a survivor of childhood abuse. It feels complicated to talk about it because I'm not the only survivor and we all have our own perspectives. Some of us don't think it was abuse. I take some efforts to make sure I only share a link to this blog with people that aren't likely to tell my parents or other relatives that I have a blog or that I've mentioned them. But I don't like the idea that my words could be used to hurt someone. Even those who have hurt me. I guess I'm still growing into the idea that my story belongs to me and that I have a right to tell it.

There are memes going around social media reminding everyone that while school is out there will be children in unsafe homes. School is their safe place and they don't know when they'll get back to it. That was me. Holidays were always the worst, the upside was knowing exactly which day it would end. Even into adulthood, I spend all the time between holidays building up a network of support and then the holidays come and most of that network retreats. I don't fault them, it's just the reality. I try to find ways to celebrate around the limitations and I'm super grateful for the friends that celebrate with me at weird times in weird ways.

This year my birthday wasn't on Spring Break. And it's a Tuesday. Tuesday is the day my Celebrate Recovery family meets. It didn't even matter if anyone knew it was my birthday, just being with my CR family doing our regular CR thing, that was what I most wanted to do. Instead I get the same social isolation of my abusive childhood. Happy Birthday to me.

For the last several months I've been working on "waking up" my feelings surrounding the ways my mother abused me. Sounds like a great idea right? My timing is impeccable too, because I managed to open a whole can of suppressed grief right before quarantine. You know what people most need when they're grieving? Hugs. Hugs and spending time with people. So that's going well.

I didn't get out of bed today. Several people did reach out to me and I answered about two of them. That's the speed I'm crawling. It seems pretty selfish. There's way worse going on in the world than reliving childhood traumas while in a completely safe place with access to many wonderful people who support me in any way they can. But that's my life today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.