How I Get Through

The thing that gets me through the hard days is my faith. I believe that there is a power outside of me that is bigger than anything I can imagine. I believe that when I'm having all the feelings or laying in bed all day or getting outside in the fresh air or doing all the weird little "churchy" things I do that I'm not alone. More than that, that I'm loved and cherished unconditionally.

This belief has led me to a series of weird decisions over the last couple of years. I've been trying to learn more about Who this God is and what it is that He wants from me. Or to put it another way, I'm trying to figure out what love is and how to live out a life of loving and being loved. In pursuit of this knowledge, I've made a lot of changes big and small to how and where I live my life.

And I think it's working. I feel more loved than I've ever felt in my life. I feel more connected to myself and to my community than at any other time in my life. I'm still a work in progress when it comes to loving others and especially loving and forgiving myself.  However, I reached a point where I felt safe enough to start ripping the old crusty band-aids off the deepest, most painful wounds that I carry inside myself where no one can see them.

there's a toad hiding in there, it's funny

I've gone from living life in mostly robot mode, superficially feeling but mostly suppressing my emotional experiences, to giving myself permission to feel and to emote "out loud" in front of other people. I've found healing for some of the parts of me that I never knew could be healed. Sometimes that healing is messy. Sometimes it takes longer than I want it to. And it hurts. But there is pain that leads to life.

I've been learning to trust this healing process and to keep marching forward into the unknown where I expect to find a healthier, happier me. A Cheri that is a better human, wife, mother, friend, etc than the Cheri that's typing this post. Some of the days it's easier to keep this goal in sight, and I'm learning to be ok with the days that it is very difficult to see the point of anything. I know that emotions are a gift, but some days it's a gift I'd rather return. On the other hand, that whole robot mode thing didn't work out so well as a long-term coping mechanism....

some days I have to find a tiny piece of joy and hold on to it as tight as I can

I wonder if any of that makes sense outside my head. Some days are really hard and they suck and I hate it. But I can do hard things when I focus on my God. And then some days are totally awesome and I love it and for that I thank the God Who loves me.