Daily Updates on Whether or Not I'm Dissociated

I've been watching too much TikTok.

I never wanted to be on TikTok because I know it's a good way to lose a lot of time and I don't need any help with that. I can do it on my own.

But my sister has been using it in a way that she hopes will be a healing experience, so then I had to make an account so I could attempt to cheer her on in that endeavor. And I was OK at first, but then the dissociation and losing hours and hours of time.

I guess I'm trying to wrap my mind around the cause and effect part so that I can figure out how much to punish myself. Did I dissociate because I was misusing TikTok, or did I misuse TikTok because I'm dissociated? I'm learning to stop that.

Some of my favorite TikTok-ers will have a kind of eclectic blend of topics but certain consistent points. Like they end with some kind of message of compassion, or they'll have some key phrases that come up in almost all of their videos. 

Anyway. It led me to wonder, if there was one thing about me that I need to get out of bed and tell the world every day...what is that?

There's a Facebook Page called Daily Updates on Whether or Not it's Christmas. Someone gets online 364 days a year to remind us that it is not Christmas today. It is very funny to me (and a lot of other people apparently). So that's probably why the phrase that occurred to me starts with "Daily Updates on Whether or Not" and the rest filled itself in.

It's not funny at all. In fact, as I heal my traumas and improve my health in general, my dissociation is more and more uncomfortable. But it is a goal to be able to wake up nearly every morning of the year and say to myself, to the people love, to the world "I am not dissociated today."

But that day is not today.