Yup.

 Yesterday the writing and focusing on a few tasks I needed to do somehow resulted in being able to feel some emotions. And I learned that being dissociated changes my relationship with food.

Just a little over a year ago I was very sick for two weeks and as I recovered, my body started telling me "good job" when I had eaten enough food. It was a new sensation for me. Apparently there is a difference between sated and full. One of those is a positive experience and the other isn't.

So anyway. For most of the last year I've successfully eaten slightly less food than before I was sick because my body was talking to me and I could hear it and had the ability to respond accordingly. I've been able to make small changes here and there to improve my relationship with food.

Most recently, I've been eating small meals 6 times a day. It's kind of awesome when my body tells me "good job" 6 times a day.

Enter this episode of dissociation.

If my body is talking, I'm not hearing it. I'm losing track of time and not noticing that it's time to eat and then when I studiously make sure I eat enough food at the right times, I still don't feel sated. So then I start wanting to eat even though I know I'm not hungry. And then there are impacts on my digestive system.

But I'm not hungry. Or I don't think I am. I think it's just that I'm not getting that hit of happy chemicals in my brain that I'm supposed to get when I complete a task. I don't know what else to do to get that in association with a meal.

I did go to bed last night feeling. I was going to type feeling better, more connected, but just feeling also makes sense.

Anyway, I think today was better than yesterday but pretty early in it, I watched a video that my sister shared with me. It was funny but I didn't laugh. Worse, the funny part was an unexpected outburst that made other people in the video jump and laugh and almost fall out of their seat. I barely blinked.

Still dissociated.