I did the thing!

Here's photographic proof that I did the thing! I stood in front of people and said things. It was pretty cool even though my story is very intense. I might even do it again if I have the opportunity....and technically I do.

The downside is that in all my pre-speaking over thinking, I didn't consider the post-speaking self care I would need to do. 24 plus hours later and I'm still fairly wound up. I didn't sleep last night until 6am this morning and I've just been squirrelly all day.

Maybe I'll sleep well tonight and be ready for "normal life" tomorrow.

Tissues

It's this kind of funny thing that when you go to a women's church related conference, they always give you a pen and something to write on. But never have I ever been give the one thing that every one is going to need at some point in the conference. Tissues.

Happy tears. Sad tears. Angry tears. Relieved tears. Runny noses from hotel stays. I don't know why hotels always seem to come with a side of congestion. Anyway.

Everyone needs a tissue.

One time I was at a conference where one of the guest speakers was the wife of one of those Duck Dynasty guys. Clearly I'm super familiar with that whole family. At some point she teared up on stage and no one brought her a tissue!

It was my moment. I had been joking for years about the need for tissues at these events. And I had some in my bag. At the very back of the auditorium. But I hesitated. And I missed my moment.

Not long after that I started making piles of reusable tissue holders. And when I go to the conferences, I take them and hand them out to everyone.

I've been meaning to make some for Celebrate Recovery. Just to have on hand for anyone who needs one. Because sometimes we need to cry and I think handing somebody a tissue should be a moment of permission. Permission to be human. Permission to feel.

So today I finally got around to following through on that plan because tomorrow I'm going to make everyone cry. And it just seems like the responsible thing to do, to prepare them in advance.

I'll give them a tissue.

Timing

So my testimony that I'm giving on Tuesday is supposed to be 17-20 minutes long. I went out to the lake to say it out loud once so I could time it. Here's a screenshot of my stopwatch:

Winning.

I've resisted practicing it out loud very much. I might regret that later, but it's too late now. I've been over it and over it so many times in my mind, it's pretty close to memorized. Isn't that funny? It's my story, how much do I really need to practice saying it?

Those Toddler Years

On This Day 7 Years Ago:

Half-asleep in the dark my children look identical. The best way to tell them apart is how they cuddle. Little knee in butt = Taryn. Little arm wrapped over = Caelie. Little toes poking anything, Taryn. Little ball of little person perfectly fit into each curce like a puzzle piece, Caelie. Little armpit in face. That's Taryn. Little head in armpit. That's Caelie. Apparently there is some kind of inborn skill to cuddling. Either you have it or you don't.

On This Day 8 Years Ago:

after spending two years bringing Taryn to "school" she knew exactly what to do. She washed her hands and then went and found a book to read on the carpet.

 

Industrious Day

Today has been so industrious I don't even know if I can remember the whole thing. I got up and did at least most of my morning routine. Went to Bible Study where I co-lead a discussion group. Before we really got started, I had a short round of phone tag that ended in an appointment my doctor referred me for. So that's coming up now.

Then I picked up Caelie from the church office where she was doing some helpful stuff. We ran a little errand to get her a journal from the main church building with someone who was headed over there to like, work, and we distracted her for several minutes. Then I remembered that I was supposed to have blood drawn this week and at least one of them was a fasting test, and bonus I had skipped breakfast. So blood drawn, follow up appointment scheduled.

Then I dropped Caelie off at home and ran off for my weekly lunch date. That was delicious. Then I thought, hey I better go schedule that tattoo I've been meaning to get. So I did. Then I stopped by the mental health place that I've been meaning to get the girls some care at. (They just need some skills I can't teach them and honestly it should be no different than making a dentist appointment) They have this weird intake process that is long and they don't make appointments, they do it on a first come basis which is just hard when no one wakes up at a reasonable hour at this house. But this time they gave me some paperwork we can do at home to make it a little easier. Hopefully.

After that it was back home to gather up library books and get those girls to the library. I just like to pick a day of the week to make sure we go, it makes it easier to avoid having overdue books. I had crochet patterns to gather online and hoard in my Google drive and a few things to print out. And Caelie had a program to go to. So I sat with Taryn for a bit and she told me random things she was learning from a book about trees.

These girls. They're working on a tree-related badge for Girl Scouts and I haven't thought about it since Tuesday, but they went around and found a bunch of books to take to their next meeting. I'm impressed with them right now.

We went and grabbed some supplies so we can participate in a little thing called Inktober. For these first two I've combined two different lists of prompts that are out there, one is the first thing that comes up when you google Inktober and the other is mythical creatures and I don't know where it came from.

A mermaid wearing rings

a mindless dryad? sort of?

Backpack

Ah, this day has arrived. The one year anniversary of the loss of my backpack.

On This Day:

To whomever stole my backpack: have fun with my two partially completed crochet projects, couple of Bible study books and dirty jar that had my dinner in it. Also the sweet little first aid kit in the side pocket.

This backpack didn't have it's own theme song, but it was mine and it was ready for adventures. I don't even think I'd had it for a full year actually. I mean, I have carried different backpacks for a long time but this one was more intentional. I had looked for the features I wanted and found it in this one bag. Except the colors were a bit more obnoxious than strictly necessary.

I don't really have a good picture of it. But I also don't have access to all my photos because my computer is down.

Anyway. At the end of the day it was only a backpack. But it was also a big moment where I had emotions and actually felt them in real time. I have a habit of not doing that. That's part of what I've been working on in CR.

The real story is how everything went in the aftermath. An intern at church knew I was feeling sad about this and she got me a new backpack and gave it to me with a sweet little note that used my word twice.

The New Backpack. On Adventure.

I have a word. It's the word that I had decided some years ago that if I were ever going to tattoo one word, one thought, one idea onto my body, it should be the thing that would help me when I'm in a dark place. The one word that would always remind me of what it is I need to know to get me out of that dark place.

So many people in my life went out of their way to be so kind to me when I lost my backpack. It was kind of bizarre to me. Because it really is just a backpack. But I guess it's also possible that they were trying to reinforce my word.

A couple weeks later I tried to help the message sink in a little deeper.

Tuesday

In high school, Thursdays were known as industrious days. Or maybe it was every other Thursday when they had switched us to block scheduling. Somehow we just had lots to do on Thursdays. Well my Thursdays still tend to be industrious days, but Tuesdays are even more so. It doesn't seem like it should be allowed. One industrious day a week is enough.

Well anyway. We have a homeschooled girls Girl Scout troop that meets on Tuesdays. Today we were celebrating that 75% of our troop bridged from Juniors to Cadettes. One of their requests was to have a chocolate party. I don't really know what that means, but I took my elephant wax warmer to make the room smell like Brownie Pecan Pie and we had hot chocolate and chocolate trail mix and piles of things to dip in chocolate sauce.

I also may or may not have sent each girl home with a handful of chocolate candy and a chocolate cake pop. I found the exact right number of them marked down.

Sometimes I overcompensate.

Also on Tuesdays is Celebrate Recovery. It's been a weird journey this last year and a half or so. Next week I'm going to tell my story. That's the writing project I've been working on. That's going to be weird too. It's like public speaking but slightly more private and way more vulnerable.

Plus, it turns out, now that I've put the invitation out there all over the place, I'm realizing that I know a lot of people who are currently or have been in the past employed in the realm of Saying Things in Front of People.

Current and retired public school teachers. Current and retired Christian school teachers. Current and retired college professors. Current and retired Christian college professors. Current and retired preachers.

I'm like, "hey if you are now or have ever been a professional speaker, come listen to me as I too Say Things in Front of People. Casually. For the first time ever."

Most of the people I know are super nice, and wouldn't come unless they were intending to be supportive. But feeling nervous in advance is a sign of progress and healing. So even though it's weird, I kind of like it.