Struggle Bus

So three entire days in a row I made time to sit down and think about how I was feeling and then write about it. And then followed that with three days I didn't. I've been fighting with myself about whether doing certain tasks makes me feel better or if feeling better leads to doing those tasks. Not even just writing. I have a whole stack of tasks I usually enjoy doing on a daily basis and I haven't been doing them. I kind of hate not doing the things that I associate with wellness regardless of the cause and effect situation.

Day 2. I had a decent hike at Konza that day.

I was late to the gym this morning. And then when I got home, it took so much longer than I wanted it to for me to get out the door again. I hate it.

A part of me wonders if this is my real life and the part where I'm not dissociated is the episode.

Day 3: a restful day, if I'm being nice to me

Ok, I don't really think that my dissociation is my "real" life and the times when I feel more functional are the episodes. That's just the despair. I really think that it's kind of a side effect of how much healing I have enjoyed. See, the better I feel when I'm not dissociated, the worse it is to be dissociated. I used to slip in and out of it with very little awareness. Now I know what it's like to live more connected to myself and the world around me. It's intolerable to be disconnected again.

Day 4: I managed some parts of my usual schedule and also managed to take a nap.

I did make it to the gym today. And I fed my family. We worked together on some care tasks. I managed to find 4 matching shirts in the right sizes. For our Christmas pjs. We have a tradition and I bought the pants a few weeks ago. I hope the shirts are the right colors, I didn't look at the pants before I went to the store. *sigh* This is me trying to stick to the positive side. I got some good things done. They just weren't necessarily the things I wanted to do or the speed in which I wanted to do them.

Day 4

I'm struggling.

Bloggin

I guess I spend a lot of my life not being very confident about my talents and abilities. But for some reason, I really really know that I'm a good writer. I think that's why I'm so drawn to the idea of blogging. I just want to write. Some problems include, one day having many ideas of things to write and other days having zero ideas.

also stuff like this

I also get caught up in weird perfectionist problems. Like there's somehow a perfect way to do a blog and so if I don't do that, then why am I doing this at all? Perfectionism is something I'm fighting all day every day. I'm trying to get away from the all or nothing style of thinking.

Sometimes I think I need to come up with a more focused topic for this blog. I feel like I'm all over the place and there's no common thread to what I'm writing. But really, my audience is me, and I think I've done an excellent job so far of appealing to my audience.

I was trying to take a picture of my hair for some reason

So I guess I'm winning? I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens.

Trying Again

Well. Here it is. My fourth attempt to have a blog. It's a weird thing, blogging. I don't have any particular desire to  go viral or really to get very much attention. I just have this desire to write things down and send it out into the world of the internet. Maybe get a little feedback from a handful of people that I actually know in real life. That sort of thing.

In past attempts, I failed, at least partly, because I got bogged down with perfectionism. One day I'll think of fifteen things to blog about and the next three I won't be able to think of anything. Then I'll miss deadlines I imposed on myself. I'm simultaneously too much and not enough. I've let down my imaginary audience and then I quit.

Maybe this time will be different.